Slay the Princess: Ranking all the Princesses


With the full release of Slay the Princess, even more variants of the Princess exist. Today, we’re opting to create the Slay the Princess Princess ranking.

Who’s the fairest, vilest, funniest, and scariest of all the monarchs? It’s been a community activity for Slay the Princess fans to be ranking the Princesses since the first demo. And now that we have them all, what ones will slay above the rest?

Slay the Princess : Ranking each of the Princesses

This will be using their base forms and their branching paths, but factoring the exclusive variants into the rating. Witch and Thorn are tied together, Adversary and Eye of the Needle are together, so on. Note that just because a Princess has a lower ranking doesn’t mean the Princess is in any way badly executed or designed, just that others resonated more. Also, there will be spoilers.

Related: Slay the Princess: The story explained

15. The Fury

While the oozing organ-infested world is a great touch, especially if you get this chapter through The Tower, the complete lack of outcome beyond getting imploded kills the momentum for this Princess. Her design is appropriately horrific, but we get so little time to be scared by it as we should be.

14. The Stranger

The Stranger still disappoints me compared to the Demo. While I like the new cabin, The Princess being fused together with a dissonant sing-song voice was creepy, and that’s gone from choosing to instead split her off repeatedly. It could’ve been much more exciting than it is.

13. The Drowned Grey

The buildup to Drowned Grey is appropriately ill at ease, and it’s great to see a Princess take revenge in such an ice cold manner. The very bit at the end is an especially horrifying touch. There’s just not much more I can say about her.

12: The Burned Grey

I felt a little more from the Princess’ manic, creepy love, especially listening to Smitten try to justify it. There is just something so unsettling about how she loves you as you burn with her, and I love it. I’d watch this Corpse Bride sequel.

11. The Beast

Beast is a great design for the Princess, and the most unique among the bunch. She’s past the point of talking at all and determined to get what she wants, and I respect that about her. What hit most about her was the ending of The Den where she gets stuck and pleads with her eyes, silently. It’s a great moment to utilize her animal form for what it can do differently.

10. The Adversary

I was pleasantly surprised by how detailed Adversary is. She’s got only thoughts of violence in that one braincell head of hers, and that’s real fun to explore. Her surprising patience and care to keep The Hero around to fight again makes for an interesting dimension of the Princess.

9. The Wraith

In line with the Princess taking what she wants by force, her complete ruthlessness and used up patience is justified in this route. Both Spectre and Nightmare give you a chance, and she’s done asking. Seeing her be done and insult the Voices and the Narrator was the cherry on top.

8. The Razor

I found Razor the least interesting Princess from the demo, so I was pleasantly surprised to find her so entertaining in the full release. She’s the overly gleeful tactician to Adversary’s brute force, the perfect mix of cute but incredibly creepy. Turning herself into blades was a fun twist I did not see coming.

7. The Damsel

While I wanted more to it, I did mostly enjoy the route they went with Damsel. It’s appropriate that the Princess turns cuter and into a blank slate being projected on, punishing the player for blindly projecting a helpless damsel in distress onto her. The touch with the Deconstructed Damsel is perfect, and I love how much it creeps people out when they first encounter it.

6. The Prisoner

The Prisoner is the most sincere of them all besides Thorn to me. I wanted a lot more out of her, but I did like her mix of fear-induced fury and willingness to try and reasonably talk things out. It’s too bad I couldn’t learn everything about her while we were stuck together for eternity.

5. The Wild

This bizarre Princess is so rife with things to unpack about the nature of the Hero and Princess’ relationship. The jarring tone switch from Beast and Witch to this perfectly suits the confusion and the ability to defy her will and split apart. There’s something so harrowing about this chapter if you choose to defy her and slay her.

4. The Spectre

I find the Spectre’s mix of giddy optimism, guilt tripping, and glimpses into anger makes for quite a layered Princess. I love how she presents herself as sad and wanting to go home, really trying to make you feel bad about what you did. Hearing how she reacts to the Voices and Narrator as she possess you just pushes her even further up.

3. The Tower

The Tower may have a fairly straightforward story, but by gods does she deliver on it as promised. She really drives home divine terror while still giving you a chance to help her. Every part of the story from the forced kneeling to overtaking the Narrator to her breakdown if you kill her hits in every way imaginable.

2. The Nightmare

I did not expect Nightmare to be second place, and then The Moment of Clarity blew me away. There is so much to unpack in that sequence, and nothing else quite like it in the game. I like how she’s trying to work with you until the end in this chapter, and the tense unfolding of the decisions where you try to help her. It makes even a happy ending feel like a whole movie’s worth of effort to get to.

1. The Witch

I also did not expect The Witch to be first, but The Thorn sold it for me. Thorn is the chapter that hit deepest of all of them. It really is the essential route to understanding the love story at the core of the game. The Witch herself is great too; she’s every bit cute and devious. When many other Princesses conditionally let go of chapter one, I love the depth to one who is absolutely hung up on your betrayal to the point you cannot reason with her. Her backstabbing, dirt throwing, vicious fighting, and willingness to crush you both to be that petty is just perfect. The Witch truly is iconic, and the key to the most heart-wrenching chapter in the entire game.

With that, we’ve seen the Slay the Princess Princess ranking through to the end. Why did the Princesses who struck a chord with you do so? Who is the best Princess?

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